Big apocalypses are so harrowing these days (March, 2015) that we have come to ignore them so we don’t scare ourselves witless. Who wants to listen to a bunch of blowhards telling us the sky is falling (which is true) and democracy is dead (sort of true) and asteroids are not our friends (give or take 300 meters)? So, since we apparently cannot live happy lives without SOMETHING to send a chill up our spines, and we are too gutless to address our actual demons, we have developed an attachment to the small ogres of our minds.
Here they are, folks, the baby things we use to satisfy our need to worry — without actually doing anything about the large stuff that should, by now, have curled our livers, fried our brains, and sautéed our hearts.
FAVORITE JUNIOR APOCALYPSES
1. It’s a fact that any person involved in sports is cheating or handing out concussions.
2. Prince William’s wife, Kate, Duchess of Cornwall, has so thoroughly wrapped herself in the mantle of regality that she won’t allow anyone to touch her. SWEAR TO GOD!
3. Syracuse University awarded its basketball players academic credit for playing a charity softball game at the Oneida, NY, local YMCA.
4. It’s no big deal if you cold-cock your fiancée in an elevator — unless someone sees it on a tape.
5. The New York Times is in the habit of publishing, on its front page, photographs of public figures — taken from the back of the subject. This worked out okay for Obama; for Chris Christie, not so much.
6. It did NOT snow like hell in New York City, and meteorologists there are in big trouble.
7. Taxi drivers, also in the Big Apple, no longer have to pass tests on where the streets are to get or keep their licenses.
8. The correct JEOPARDY! response two weeks ago was “E. Street.”
9. The correct response when someone calls you an ass is to text a New York Times photographer.
10. The trail of the year’s Iditarod was moved more that 200 miles north because of lack of snow. Alaskan meteorologists are claiming they had used New York weathermen as consultants